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---
title:  "Rubyfuza 2017 Conference"
cover: "https://picsum.photos/1600/800/?image=0"
date:   2017-02-11 23:00:00 +0200
tags:
    - Mindset
    - Comfort Zone
    - Relationships
---

> I spoke at Rubyfuza 2017 in Cape Town about how Imposter Syndrome impacts
> my day-to-day decisions and confidence,
> affects growth by limiting opportunities and makes me feel unworthy.
> I wanted to share my experience & perspective of feeling like a
> fraud with other software professionals.

This was my first conference presentation\* in front of a large audience in a
half an hour timeslot.

The talk was titled "The Imposter Within" which
stems from the [post](/blog/the-imposter-within) I wrote last year.
It was recorded and I'll share the link when it is available on YouTube.
I have made the slides in PDF available
for [download](/slides/rubyfuza-2017-the-imposter-within.pdf).

The content below is what I prepared but is not verbatim.

_\*I have given an Ignite talk (5 minute talk) at [JoziJug](/blog/branding-your-identity/) in 2016_

* * *

_[Displayed a slide of a photo of me looking happy]_

Look how happy I look here - a little crazy, but happy.

Appearances can be so deceiving ​because deep down, ​I really feel like a fraud.​

Last year I finally identified that I have Imposter Syndrome ​and it's possible
that some of you here may​ occasionally have it too.​

In fact, research says that about 70% of the population worldwide experience
this and​ **it often goes unrecognized**.​

I think that the more we talk about it,​ **the more we can help each other out**.​

## Definition

### Wiki Says

The term was coined in 1978 by two clinical psychologists and is also referred to
as "The Imposter Phenomenon" and "Fraud Syndrome".​

Wikipedia says that it doesn't have a standard definition,​ but explains that it
as a 'concept describing​ **high-achieving individuals** ​who are marked by an​
**inability to internalize their accomplishments** ​and have a​ **persistent fear of
being exposed as a "fraud."**'

Now, it is not a mental illness,​ it's just the way that people react in certain
situations.​

Essentially, you feel like you are tricking everyone around you​
into believing that you are more competent than you actually are​
and really hope that no-one ever finds out.​

### Even With Evidence

Compliments and positive feedback​ probably make you feel uncomfortable.​
You simply don't believe them.​

Even when there is evidence to the contrary, ​you tell yourself, and others, that
you ​probably succeeded because of:​

-   Dumb luck,​
-   Your charm,​
-   A mistake or error,
-   Good timing,
-   Knowing the right people or,​
-   Being in the right place at the right time.​

## Signs

### Identify Your Imposter

When you feel like this, ​you could react negatively​ without realizing it.​

Identify and understand your inner imposter​ so that you can consciously
**change your behavior**.​

### Self-Destructive Behavior

If you don't address it, ​it can lead to self-destructive behavior where you​

-   Become obsessive​,
-   Feel anxious​,
-   Get depressed​, and
-   Even burn out from all the ​stress and pressure that you put yourself under​.

### It Impacts Others

It affects the people around you too.​

Your relationships take strain and​ it can cause unnecessary friction in teams.​

There are many signs that you are ​experiencing Imposter Syndrome​ but I'll be
sharing four of them with you today.​

### 1. Doubting Yourself

Sure, we all doubt ourselves occasionally​ but the red flag is when it's
so bad ​that we can't function properly.​

If you have Imposter Syndrome, ​you've probably convinced yourself ​that you are
not good enough.​

I remember working on a massive project recently and ​it was technically complex
with a lot of people involved.​

We had a deadline that we couldn't miss because ​many of our products would simply
stop working. ​

This made a lot of people tense and stressed.​

#### Self-Limiting Beliefs

Now, it's relatively easy to write code ​and get it into production​ but it is
way more challenging ​getting a bunch of people to talk to each other and ​make
the right things happen at the right time.​

With so many people, it's hard to stay on the same page.​ There was a lot of
confusion and contradiction​ probably because of miscommunication and
misunderstandings.​

I got lost and started doubting myself more and more.​

-   I felt like I didn't know what I was doing,
-   I second-guessed my code & decisions,​
-   I believed everyone around me was smarter than me, and
-   I lost confidence in my skills as a developer.​

I did eventually convince myself ​that I just wasn't good enough ​and that
I should quit - which I didn't do.

#### Words Define Your Reality

After a lot of reflection,​ I came to realize that I have a voice inside my head,​
and that voice can be really mean.​ It constantly puts me down and I believe it.​

Who remembers Marvin the robot from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy?​
I mean, what a depressed character.​

It's like having him inside my head all the time - ​only less funny.​

**Words define your reality!​**
You will believe the words you use to describe who you are. ​
If you keep putting yourself down, ​you will feel negative about yourself.​

#### Holds You Back!

If you don't address this, ​it can hold you back from doing even the most
simplest things such as:​

-   **writing code** ​because you are afraid of being criticized and wrong,​
-   **prevents you from engaging with others** ​because you are afraid of what
    others may think about your ideas or solutions,​
-   **kills innovation and creativity** ​because your mindset is so bleak​, and
-   **holds you back from grabbing amazing opportunities** ​like applying for that
    position even if you don't check all the boxes.​

### 2. Setting the Bar Too High

It is good to push yourself so that you can grow but the red flag is when you set
the bar so high ​that you burn out or are doomed to fail.​

In 2014, I was in a team that changed a lot. ​I would fill gaps that I saw​
because I couldn't miss a deadline ​or let the project fail.​

Before I joined the team, ​I was used to working alone or in small teams at small
companies​ where I had to do a little bit of everything.​

So, in this team, I instinctively took on the roles of these people​ where I saw
the gaps,​ instead of holding them accountable. I was simply unaware that I could
do that.

#### Insane Difficulty Level

Before I knew it, I was Product Owner, Scrum Master, Designer and Developer...
taking on all the responsibilities and stress ​that came with each role.​

I worked so hard to keep everything afloat​ that I did eventually burn out.​

To make matters worse, I was filling these gaps about six months after
I joined the company,​ while I was still ramping up.​
This was the first time I joined a large corporate​ so the ramp up was steep for me. ​

There are so many people, systems, servers, products ​and the network
constraints (think Internet Proxy!). It was just insane!

Anyway, I realize that I keep increasing the difficulty level ​and expect
myself to excel,​ not taking into account ​the emotional, mental and physical
strain that I put on myself.​

#### Expect More From Others

When you set the bar ridiculously high for yourself, ​the problem is that​ you
also set it ridiculously high for those around you and then no-one can live
up to your expectations.\*

_\*Adapted from [Chris Lema](https://youtu.be/uKTm3TV9u4M?t=1231) in his exceptional talk at WordCampPhx_

-   If you work long hours, you expect others to do the same,​
-   If you learn new tech in your spare time, then others must too and​,
-   Dare someone not do TDD if it is something you strong believe in and expect.​

It's important to know that people focus on different things in life​ and it is
unfair for us to impose what we think is important on them.​

#### The Unicorn Job

The same applies for finding the "perfect" job.​ ​

Start-ups look cool right!?​ They look really attractive. ​
Work here, learn lots, make cool stuff and have fun.​ ​

Bigger companies like Google, Netflix, Spotify and Facebook...
they look even more attractive because of their benefits​ and the cool products
they create.​ ​

They advertise a culture of learning, innovation and fun​ where staff are well
looked after - on their standards.​ ​

What they don't always show is the pain.​
The problems, flaws and constraints, all those negative things they need to
deal with​ which are probably similar to what you are currently experiencing in
your job today.​

#### You Are Missing Out

We are suckers to this marketing business​.

It can be for your job, your life...​ I mean, look at Facebook.
It is simply the highlight reel of
people's lives​.

This marketing around us is done so well that​ even if you work for an
amazing company right now​ you'd want to leave because it doesn't meet the
expectations that you have created in your mind.​

Your life, compared to your friends and family on Facebook​ may seem boring,
because all you're seeing is the​ fun, exciting stuff that is shared.​ ​

In life we are set on finding the "perfect" things​ and we search so hard​ that
we miss out on what is currently happening​ in our lives right now.​

### 3. Making Things "Perfect"

This is basically about the inner perfectionist.​

Now it's good to focus on consistency, aesthetics and quality​, but a red flag
is when you can't let go because it's not perfect.​

If I think back to the creation of my blog, ​I remember how the pursuit for
perfection​ exhausted me.​

I created it for a [few reasons](/blog/branding-your-identity/):​

-   To give back to the community by sharing my perspective,​
-   Have a platform to showcase my skills for my career and​,
-   Tinker with different technologies.​

I wanted something lightweight​ so I chose Jekyll - which absolutely rocks!​
and I used Grunt for workflow automation​ such as image resizing, linting,
minification and so forth.​

#### At What Cost?

I created the website from scratch. Multiple times, in fact, where I

-   Redesigned the interface,
-   Restructured the folder contents,
-   Reworked the automation, and
-   Completely customized the Jekyll integration.

I did this all because I wanted everything to be "perfect" before launch.

I invested a lot of hours into this website and I became obsessed.

I would come home from a long day at work, go straight to my laptop where I
would spend the rest of the night working on it.

So, what happened?

-   **Deprioritized health**: I neglected my health as I didn't eat well.
    I skipped meals, didn't exercise or stretch.
-   **Fatigue**: I didn't get enough downtime and rest.
-   **Strain on relationships**: I stopped socializing with friends and family
    because I was too busy.
-   **Frustration**: I got frustrated because I kept seeing flaws in the work
    I was doing.

#### Perfect Code

Now, the same happens with our code. Keeping a codebase maintainable is a good
thing but where do we stop or draw the line?

We could refactor it for years to be "perfect" but that isn't feasible.

Then again, what is perfect code anyway?

Have you ever looked at code and thought "what the hell is going on here?" only
to do a `git blame` where you sink deep into your chair seeing that you were
the author?

#### Good Enough

This is a sign that we are growing. Our knowledge and skills grow with time.
Instead of pouring hours and hours into perfecting something we should settle
for what is good enough right now.

When it satisfies the needs of the business and the customer, then it is good
enough.

Don't confuse this as an excuse to write bad code. You need to give it your best
shot but doing so with the knowledge, constraints and resources that you have at
that point in time, knowing that there is a possibility that you could fail
but without harming yourself in the process.

### 4. Too Afraid to Fail

Fear is a good thing when it makes you act or put in extra effort to achieve
something. It's a red flag when it paralyzes you.

Last year I learned to start living outside of my comfort zone. I did a lot of
stuff that I wouldn't have done before because I was scared of what people would
think of me or didn't feel confident in myself to try it.

The scariest thing I signed up for was public speaking.

#### Panic!

The idea makes my knees weak and my heart race. I get anxious and nauseous. My
throat closes and I feel like I can't breathe properly.

Now, I don't have to wait to get onto the stage in front of everyone to feel this
way. In fact, from the day my talk got accepted until presenting it, I'd been
struggling to cope with this.

I was getting panic attacks. Logic couldn't save me. Advice, suggestions or
tips didn't save me. It was bad.

#### Push Through

It was something I wanted to achieve so I wanted to push through. I did four
things:

-   **Fully commit to it**: I tweeted that I would be talking and booked my travel
    and accommodation so that it would be considerably harder to back out.
-   **Breathe**: To deal with the panic attacks I had to learn to breathe deeply.
    I needed to calm my mind so that I could think clearer to soothe the anxiety
    and work on my content.
-   **Prepare**: Even though I was terrified, being unprepared would have made
    matters worse. I prepared the content and practiced the delivery multiple times.
-   **Get a support structure**: Without the support structure from amazing people
    in my life I may have backed out. I got different perspectives, coaching and
    emotional support which helped to reduce the panic and anxiety.

## Techniques

### Befriend You Imposter

Now that we can identify and name our imposter, we can befriend it by taking
back control of our minds.

We can see it as that cautious friend that keeps you and your ego in check, which
can be quite humbling. Having that balance keeps you from becoming over-confident
and arrogant.

Here are some of the techniques that can help you find your balance.

-   **Be honest with yourself**:
    Juggling all these feelings can be scary and overwhelming.
    Accept that you are experiencing Imposter Syndrome and know that you can
    work through it.

-   **You are in control**:
    You may feel like a victim but your mind is creating this bleak reality. You
    can actually control it even if it doesn't feel like it.

-   **Calm your mind**:
    If your mind is too busy then you can't focus or be in control. Realize that
    you are not your thoughts and feelings. They come and go, so you don't need
    to be consumed by them.

    Breathing, meditation and mindfulness practices can help you calm your mind.

-   **Be kind to yourself**:
    Being your own worst enemy isn't going to get you anywhere. Accept yourself
    for who you are and be conscious of the words you use to talk about yourself.

    You are the most important person in your life. Look after yourself mentally,
    physically and emotionally.

-   **Reflect**:
    There are always things you can do to improve on. Reflect by asking yourself
    what is going well, what isn't going so well and how can I improve?

-   **Talk about it**:
    So many people are affected by this but few talk about it or even realize it.
    Know that you are not alone. You don't have to suffer in silence.

    Get a different perspective on your performance and behavior by talking to
    people around you. You can also give back by sharing your experiences and
    perspective.

-   **Get support**:
    Find a mentor with a similar personality to get guidance that will help you
    in situations where you struggle.

    You could also start or join a meetup group where you have regular discussions
    about this.

-   **Take it day by day**:
    It's a bumpy road. Some days are good, others not so much.

    I have to put in a lot of effort and sometimes I feel like I'm right back at
    the beginning of this road.

    I just take it day by day and try not to be hard on myself. I am only human.

-   **Get outside your comfort zone**:
    It's easy to stagnate in this place of comfort. If you want to grow then do
    something that scares you, something you haven't done before or learn a new
    skill.

And when all else fails, do what Barney Stinson says **"When I'm sad I stop being
sad and be awesome instead."**

Why go through life missing out on opportunities, constantly putting yourself
down and being scared of how other people see you?

You are not immortal, so take your life back!

* * *

**The Imposter Test**

[The Clance IP Test](http://paulineroseclance.com/pdf/IPscoringtest.pdf) was
developed by clinical psychologist Pauline Clance to help individuals determine
whether or not they have Imposter Syndrome characteristics, and if so, to what
extent they are suffering.

After taking the Imposter Test, add together the numbers of the responses to
each statement. If the total score is 40 or less, the respondent has few
Imposter characteristics; if the score is between 41 and 60, the respondent has
moderate IP experiences; a score between 61 and 80 means the respondent
frequently has Imposter feelings; and a score higher than 80 means the
respondent often has intense IP experiences. The higher the score, the more
frequently and seriously the Imposter Phenomenon interferes in a person’s life.

* * *

## Resources

-   [Download the slides (PDF)](/slides/rubyfuza-2017-the-imposter-within.pdf)
-   [YouTube Recording](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fkgAc0DY4s8)
-   [Twitter Moments](https://twitter.com/i/moments/830378337516322816)
-   [Beat Imposter Syndrome](http://beatImpostersyndrome.net/)
-   [Leaving Comfort Behind](http://developeronfire.com/podcast/episode-202-clarice-bouwer-leaving-comfort-behind) - Episode 202 on the Developer On Fire podcast
-   [I'm a phony. Are you?](http://www.hanselman.com/blog/ImAPhonyAreYou.aspx) by Scott Hanselman
-   [The Imposter](https://thedesignteam.io/the-imposter-ddbe96b14e14) by Pablo Stanley on Medium
-   [13 Charts That Will Make Total Sense to People with Imposter Syndrome](https://www.buzzfeed.com/kristinchirico/13-charts-that-will-make-total-sense-to-people-with-Imposter) by Kristin Chirico on BuzzFeed
-   [How To Fight The Programmer Imposter Syndrome?](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCFxdcuY-S6yjZGq_2cjilHg) by John Sonmez on the Simple Programmer YouTube channel
-   **Presentations**
    -   [Chris Lema](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uKTm3TV9u4M) at WordCampPhx
    -   [Gitte Klitgaard](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vLpqq0ljawE) at GOTO 2016
    -   [Lou Solomon](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=whyUPLJZljE) at TEDxCharlotte
    -   [Kirsty Walker](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xe9oSV9tZE0) at TEDx Whitehall Women
    -   [Bianca Gibson](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNlLM0OUXDc) at PyCon Australia
    -   [Olivia Fox Cabane](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GU7AnA3ndJE) at Google - Charisma, Leadership and the Imposter Syndrome
-   [The power of vulnerability](https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability) - Ted Talk by Brené Brown
-   [Teach girls bravery, not perfection](https://www.ted.com/talks/reshma_saujani_teach_girls_bravery_not_perfection) - Ted Talk by Reshma Saujani
-   [The happy secret to better work](https://www.ted.com/talks/shawn_achor_the_happy_secret_to_better_work) - Ted Talk by Shawn Achor