lib/lita/handlers/poop.rb
require "lita"
module Lita
module Handlers
class Poop < Handler
RESPONSES = [
"Anal puking",
"Analyzing a log dump",
"Answering the call of the wild",
"Auditing your ASSets",
"Backing the trailer in",
"Baking a hot icicle",
"Baking a loaf",
"Baking a potato",
"Baking a russet",
"Baking some brownies",
"Barbarians at the gate",
"Becoming one with the animal kingdom",
"Being anal-nonretentive",
"Big brown man knocking on the back door",
"Birthing a turd",
"Blowing mud",
"Blowing a butt plug",
"Blowing the butt trumpet",
"Boarding the bus to Strong Anus City",
"Bombing the bowl",
"Bombing Hiroshima",
"Bombing the Oval Office",
"Bombing the Tidy Bowl Man",
"Building a bench",
"Building a dookie castle",
"Building a Gomer Pyle (gawwwwleeee, Sarge!)",
"Building a home for a dung beetle",
"Bunghole train has left the station",
"Burying an elf",
"Carpet bombing",
"Catching up on some reading",
"Chalking the bowl",
"Choking a brownie",
"Choking a darkie",
"Chopping a log",
"Christening a boat",
"Cleaning the tuba",
"Coiling a steamer",
"Committing yourself to the dumpatorium",
"Communing with nature",
"Conducting a movement",
"Consulting your ASStrological chart",
"Contaminating the dog dish",
"Cooking a brown carrot",
"Cooking a brown kielbasa",
"Cooking a butt burrito",
"Cooking some chocolate",
"Cooking some fudge",
"Cooking some sausage",
"Cooking up a pot of anal stew",
"Coronating Gluteus Maximus III",
"Crap",
"Crimping off a length",
"Creating an ex-wife/ex-husband",
"Crunching one",
"Curling some pipe",
"Cutting some rope",
"Dancing with Duece Bigalog",
"Debulking",
"Defecate",
"Delivering a wild pitch",
"Dirty birth",
"Dirty deeds, done dirt cheap",
"Disembowel",
"Disemfibering",
"Disposing of some hazardous waste",
"Doing the loose poops dance",
"Doing the Royal Squat",
"Doing your paperwork",
"Doo-doo",
"Dookin it out",
"Downloading some brownware",
"Drawing mud",
"Drilling for mud bunnies",
"Dropping a bomb",
"Dropping a brown trout",
"Dropping a chocolate cobra",
"Dropping a deuce",
"Dropping a dookie",
"Dropping a load",
"Dropping a log",
"Dropping a scone",
"Dropping a spike",
"Dropping a stool",
"Dropping anchor",
"Dropping loggy log",
"Dropping the chalupa",
"Dropping the kids off at the pool/lake",
"Dropping trou",
"Dropping wolf bait",
"Dropping your ordinance",
"Drowning the kittens",
"Dump",
"Dumping a load",
"Dumping an organic depth charge",
"Dumping a stump",
"Emptying your anus",
"Enjoying a meatball sandwich",
"Evacuate",
"Exploring the watery cave",
"Exporting a cigar to Cuba",
"Feeding the fish",
"Feeding the pets",
"Feeding the refugees",
"Feeding your toilet",
"Fighting the rat",
"Filling the peanut butter jar",
"Firing the cannon",
"Flexing your cheeks",
"Flagging down the anus vendor",
"Floating a boat",
"Floating a trout",
"Floating one for the Gipper",
"Flossing",
"Flushing feces",
"Forcing the duck to quack",
"Foraging for dungleberries",
"Full moon over troubled waters",
"Getting down and dirty",
"Getting into deep doo-doo",
"Giving a dirty birth",
"Giving a Monkey a burial at sea",
"Giving birth to a Monkey",
"Giving the hemmies some breathing room",
"Giving the neighbors some food for thought",
"Goin' fecen",
"Going caca",
"Going into labor",
"Greeting Mr. Hankey (South Park kicks ass!)",
"Grinding the beef",
"Growing a tail",
"Hanging a grogan",
"Hatching a new boss",
"Having a shit",
"Heaving a Havana",
"Helping the groundhog find his shadow",
"Hitting a double",
"Hitting pay dirt",
"Honking out a dirt snake",
"Hound doggin'",
"Hurling a turd",
"Igniting a rectal rocket",
"Inspecting the facilities",
"Introducing the toilet to the bald man with the cigar",
"Jettisoning the alien",
"Killing the bathroom",
"Killing the shitter",
"Launching a butt shuttle",
"Launching a corn canoe",
"Launching a scud",
"Launching a torpedo",
"Laying a brick",
"Laying a log",
"Laying some brown carpet",
"Laying some cable",
"Laying some pipe",
"Let my people go",
"Letting off a corn rocket",
"Letting the dog out",
"Loading the crapper",
"Log jam",
"Logging out",
"Losing some weight the quick way",
"Making a Baby Ruth",
"Making a core dump",
"Making a delivery",
"Making a deposit at the porcelain bank",
"Making a doo-doo",
"Making a grunt sculpture",
"Making a log entry",
"Making a Minnesota hand warmer",
"Making modern art",
"Making mud",
"Making room for lunch",
"Making some butt gravy",
"Making some fertilizer",
"Making some haggis",
"Making some trouser chili",
"Manufacturing a three-coil steamer",
"Meditating",
"Measuring the depths of the water below",
"Microwaving a dachsund",
"Mooning the Tidy Bowl Man",
"Morning smile",
"Negotiating the release of the chocolate hostages",
"Offloading some freight",
"Packing your underwear",
"Painting with the brown stuff",
"Painting the bowl",
"Parking your breakfast",
"Parking some bark",
"Passing a load of coal down the chute",
"Passing the baton",
"Paving the Hershey highway",
"Paying the plumber",
"Peeling the wallpaper",
"Pinching a chimp",
"Pinching a crusty roll",
"Pinching a loaf",
"Planting a steaming bouquet of brown roses",
"Pinching the head off a Pikey",
"Pissing rusty water out of your ass",
"Planting some corn",
"Playing at the toilet bowl",
"Playing a small percussion instrument",
"Playing craps",
"Playing with Winnie the Poo",
"Plop",
"Poking the turtle's head out",
"Polluting the pond",
"Pooping",
"Popping some corn",
"Praying to Buddha",
"Punching a grumpy",
"Punishing the porcelain",
"Putting fruit in the bowl",
"Quaking the porcelain",
"Quickening the cleansing",
"Recycling corn/fiber",
"Releasing the demons",
"Releasing the hounds",
"Releasing your payload",
"Removing a butt tampon",
"Reversing a Ho-Ho",
"Riding the ceramic carthorse",
"Riding the hoop",
"Ringing the church bells (Dung! Dung!)",
"Rocking your rectum",
"Ripping a duece",
"Rolling a nut log",
"Sandblasting the toilet",
"Sawing off a log",
"Scaring up a tater",
"Seeking revenge for the Brown Bomber",
"Sending a message to the White House",
"Sending Fidel a love letter",
"Shaking your booty",
"Shit",
"Shooting the Hershey squirts",
"Singing with Michael Bolton",
"Sinking the Bismark",
"Sinking a link",
"Sitting on the bowl",
"Sitting on the can",
"Sitting on the throne",
"Slapping the pod",
"Snapping a log",
"Snapping a yambo",
"Solid fart",
"Sphincter snot",
"Sphincter spew",
"Sphincter spurt",
"Spray and wipe",
"Squat and clench",
"Squeezing a coily",
"Squeezing a loaf",
"Squeezing off a few rounds",
"Squeezing one out",
"Squeezing out those last few calories",
"Squeezing the butt mustard",
"Squeezing the cheese",
"Squirting dirt",
"Staining the porcelain",
"Stocking the pond with brown trout",
"Stretching the sphincter muscle",
"Studying at the library",
"Tainting the cloth",
"Taking a doogie",
"Taking a dump",
"Taking a Donald dump",
"Taking a growler",
"Taking a load off your mind",
"Taking an SS Capolongo",
"Taking a shit",
"Taking a steamer",
"Taking the Browns to the Super Bowl",
"Taking the kids to the waterslide",
"Testing the plumbing",
"Torqueing a moon-fish",
"Touching cloth",
"Training a Monkey to jump through the hoop",
"Turning the wienermobile into a submarine",
"Unleashing the holy leviathan",
"Updating the Captain's log",
"Vacating the premises",
"Visiting the toilet for a poo-poo",
"Voiding your bowels",
"Watching a dolphin splash",
"Weasel nosing",
"Wrestling a brown corn-belly snake",
"Xeroxing a copy of the bad stuff",
"Yanking the worm out of the hole",
"Yodeling in the canyon",
"Zapping the porcelain"
]
route %r{poop}i, :poop, command: true, help: { "poop" => "Responds with a random pooping euphemism." }
def poop(response)
response.reply "brb - #{RESPONSES.shuffle.first}"
end
end
Lita.register_handler(Poop)
end
end